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Tuesday, September 02, 2003

From Xanga: 2003-09-02 00:21:12

I've always known that I don't want a child. Bruce is terrified of babies and so am I. I don't even dare hold babies for fear of hurting them or dropping them. "Oh, you'll learn. When you have your own kids, you'll get the hang of it." Well, it's more than that. The responsibilities of being a parent are so huge. I don't think I'll make a good parent. I'm afraid I'll let my kids down. I'm afraid they'll let me down the way I've let my parents down so many times. I know I've hurt my parents so much over the course of my life and I don't know if I'll be as strong as them to handle it all.

Sure, nobody is perfect and there's no perfect parent and no perfect child. But in any other area of my life, if I fail at something, I'll be sad for a while but I'll eventually move on. However, when it comes to parent-child relationships, you can't just "move on". It's for life. I've already failed miserably as a child, I don't think I can handle the anguish and pain if I were to fail as a parent. I love my mother so much but she has hurt me so much that it hurts for me to love her. Does that make sense? I also know that I am like her in many ways (although I don't like to admit that) so I'll probably end up hurting my children the same way.

It's ironic because I'm usually the one who always encourage people to not have fear of getting hurt and to just give our hearts out and show our love. But this is more in the area of romantic love where "time heals all wounds" do indeed apply. There'll be scars but after a while they don't bother you anymore. However, I've never quite completely recovered from any wounds by my mom and each time something else happens, the old wounds are reopened and new wounds created. I'm sure it's the same for my parents, the wounds that I've caused them.

Why is it that we tend to hurt most the people we love most? Maybe it's just me. Am I selfish for not wanting kids just because of my own inability and failure as someone's child? If I were even 50% confident that I can be a good parent, I'll give it a shot. But I am not even 10% confident. If that makes me selfish, then so be it. However, it's not only my feelings I'm protecting, but also my children's lives.

This was supposed to be a short entry about the child I sponsored. Bruce and I were talking about how many unfortunate kids there are in the world whose main worry is where to get their next meal. Whether or not I have my own kids, the least I could do is help someone who really needs it, right? Just by eating out one less time a month, we can help a child for a whole month. So I went to Childreach Plan and clicked on the first kid that tugged my heartstrings. Actually all of them did but this face really stood out. Maybe it's because she has a big head like me... hehe just kidding. Anyway her name is Brigida-fany Mayta and she's 8 years old, from Bolivia.

I feel bad that the pressure is on my sister Evana to bear grandchildren for my parents. However I think I'll be better off directing my efforts to making amends with my parents and hopefully growing closer to them....

cybette wrote this at 12:21 AM
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