cybette's blog

Big D

Ten days in Dallas. After eight months away. Many things have remained the same, the way I remembered them. Although there have been quite a lot of changes at work, but the people are more or less the same, the familiar faces and voices, the building in which I've spent 40 hours per week (probably more) for 5 years before I left. I could drive there with my eyes closed. The familiar route from home. My house. Still look the same from the outside. As for the inside, it feels different. The furniture hasn't moved much, it's cleaner and neater (preparing the house for sale), but something is missing. Something has left. Love. No more. It's an empty shell now. What has changed? I have changed. I think I have changed so much, everything else looks stagnant in comparison. Like time has stood still while I was in Finland. But what is the thing that changed most in me? It's not the weight loss although that's the first thing people notice. I can't put my finger on it either. For sure there were a couple people during this time that has turned my life around. Not necessarily for better or for worse, but just changed the course of my life. I don't know what I want anymore. I have always been sure of myself, but out of a sudden, I'm lost. Why? Because no matter where I turn, I can't seem to get what I want. Don't get me wrong, I am very, very appreciative of the things and people in my life. I know that compared to a lot of people, I am so fortunate and blessed. However, what I desire most, I can't have. What will make my dream come true, my life complete, is not mine for the taking. At least I have had a taste of the possibilities. But perhaps I'd have been better off not knowing?

Several people have commented that they have been checking out my blog from time to time, to see how I'm doing. And sad to say that I've disappointed them, for I haven't been blogging much (if at all). I thought maybe I could make it up by including my "microblogs" (Jaikus) here, but it's not the same. I'll try to blog more, but no promises.

I did miss the food in Dallas, or should I say, the variety of food in Dallas. I've had Thai, Chinese, Korean, Indian, Italian, Tex Mex, Vietnamese, and more over the past few days. Perhaps more so, I miss the people that I've shared a part of my life with here. I hope they remember me as fondly as I remember them...